Describe a decision you made in the past that helped you learn or grow.

I thought I was a free spirit.  Turns out I was scary, quite selfish, erratic and definitely unpredictable.  I couldn’t trust anyone because I couldn’t trust myself! I thought rational decision making was for people who had given up on romance, passion and living on the edge.

When all the consequences of my `non-decisions’ came home to roost I began to realise you can only grow through making decisions. Being emotionally stunted or at the mercy of whim (other peoples or my own) was not passion or individuality it was checking out. `Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose‘ as Janis Joplin belted out before her untimely death. Jean Paul Sartre and the Existentialist movement reminded us how much we don’t want the awesome responsibility for making a decision.

In my late twenties I met people who slowly impressed me. I noticed how patient they were with their families, their work, their finances. Decision-making amongst them almost seemed like an art form. Their timely deliberation made it possible for them to bear whatever the consequences or the outcome. I began to learn that making decisions was simply about doing the next right thing and leaving the outcome to God. Let Go and Let God revolutionised my thinking and my life with none of the burden the Existentialists bewailed.

I learnt to laugh at my bad decisions and grow in confidence from the good ones. My people pleasing, my knee jerk choices, my dramatic u turns became less and less. Every day is about making decisions or accepting, and living through, the consequences of previous decisions.

2023 February on a cold but dry Scottish winter morning, I withdrew from my career in Nursing. It was a decision I wouldn’t make. I kept pushing my feelings down even though there were signs of conflict with my superiors in every ward I worked in. After Covid-19, many nurses expressed that they were done, but I was too proud to do so. This cold but dry morning my always punctual bus was very, very late. The connecting bus I took once I eventually got to town was rerouted. I boarded without even noticing. My anxiety seemed to start in my toes right to my head. To be so late! Then a calming voice seemed to whisper stay on the bus. My anxiety went down a knotch. I stayed on the bus one hour until the daylight was established. The bus passed familiar places where I had worked: nursing homes, the medical legal department for the National Health Service and social work outlets. This still voice far from berating me about being late was almost saying look at how you have tried. With that grace I could feel my pride give way to surrender.

When I got off the bus I went for a coffee. I sat in this nearly empty cafe feeling an excitement for life that I hadn’t experienced in a long time. Three weeks later I got a part-time job with less demands. My needs were taken care of and my blood pressure returned to normal.

Becoming comfortable with making decisions means I can trust myself today. Better boundaries, a backbone and lines I won’t cross. I can trust other people also. Except those who remind me of my non decision making younger self, that is, those who prefer to play the victim and are never responsible.